Greetings, Miss Manners Instead of sending flowers, I’m wondering if it would be tactless or unappealing to give a new widow a heartfelt sympathy card with cash inside.
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Following her husband’s quite protracted and unexpected illness, a close friend of mine just became a widow in her late 40s.
Throughout her marriage, my friend has been a stay-at-home mother and has never attended college. Her husband worked for a union, so I’m sure she’ll receive life insurance benefits. She can also receive Social Security payments, of course. However, I think it will be difficult to get a well-paying work.
I would rather offer her some cash and a lovely handwritten message because I think it is impractical to spend a few hundred dollars on a flower arrangement that will soon die. Is this appropriate?
PERSONAL READER: Let’s take a moment to consider this. A young woman recently widowed receives a heartfelt letter from a close friend about her beloved spouse, and money falls out of it.
This is not a birthday greeting from a well-meaning but emotionally distant grandfather to a teenager. Despite having a higher level of education, this mature woman want to preserve her dignity following the passing of her husband.
He must have talked about and made plans for how she would manage without him if his illness was long (but also unexpected?). If not, the shame of believing that her acquaintances think she is incapable of managing life alone will not be worth a little additional money.
That condolence letter along with an invitation to supper or company when she’s ready would mean more than a hundred bucks or the equivalent in flowers. She could require reassurance that she still has a supporting social group because she has never been able to handle the world on her alone.
Of course, Miss Manners will renounce her self-righteous justification and meekly retract everything if your buddy launches her own public fundraising platform straight away, which she will surely do.
Greetings, Miss Manners My family likes to throw informal gatherings in an open house setting. We typically have time to visit one-on-one with our guests, and anyone who wishes to swing by can do so at any time during the day.
We never run out of food, but well-meaning people often ask, “What can I bring?” because they don’t want to arrive without anything. I always respond that they are welcome to bring a bottle of wine or a treat to share, but they are not required to bring anything.
However, our family couldn’t possibly eat all the leftovers before they go bad because guests often bring food and leave it behind.
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I don’t want food to go to waste, but I also don’t want to insult people by suggesting that their delicacies aren’t good enough for us. What protocol should be followed when a guest brings leftovers from a party?
PERSONAL READER: Say something like, “These were delicious, but we couldn’t possibly consume them all,” to gently demand that guests take their food with them if freezing or a neighborly giveaway are not options. Can I return at least half of it to you?
Naturally, Miss Manners’ actual advise is to be more forceful when they ask in the first place in order to completely avoid the issue.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
