To Eric,I guess I’m not the only one who feels abandoned by friends and family since they take so long to reply to SMS.
I would like to know when it is polite to reply to texts.
I find it polite when my family members and friends reply within an hour and in minutes, respectively.
Those who take hours and others who take days worry me more. When I quickly respond to their text questions and then be ignored for hours or days while I wonder what they thought of my responses, it is quite worrisome.
I feel abandoned. Why did they ask for my opinion and then take hours or days to respond?
I’m just wondering if I should call these friends and family members the old-fashioned way instead of texting them, as I’m sure I’ll get their voicemail.
Deleted
To the Ghosted: Some people may not agree with this, but I really enjoy phone calls, especially when you need a speedy response and the other person is a slow texter. Some people reply faster to voice notes than to texts, so you might try that as well.
I would advise you to reconsider how you think about this. In most situations, it’s probably more about the way the person you texted uses their phone than it is about you, even if it can feel like ghosting and it’s annoying to not hear back from them for hours or days.
Although texting is common these days, not everyone finds it to be very natural. Many people’s lives, schedules, or temperaments aren’t suited to react quickly, let alone in writing. Talking to a neighbor on the porch or passing someone’s cubicle at work are quite different.
Therefore, if you’re not receiving the response you’re hoping for, think of it as knowledge about the recipient’s behavior in the world rather than a rejection. Even while they might not be a good texter, this does not necessarily mean that they are a horrible friend.
To Eric,My 81-year-old brother lost his temper and said harsh and hateful things about our youngest sister over eight months ago.
At the time, I had a suspicion that he was intoxicated and likely frustrated by our sister’s recurring illnesses and issues, some of which were brought on by her own severe eating disorder, despair, and sporadic binge drinking.
I am thankful that our sister and I still have some kind of friendship, and I have never brought up the breakup with her.
We were going to have my three nieces visit us recently. Although we hadn’t invited him or discussed our plans, my brother emailed me before they arrived to thank me for the invitation to join us for dinner and games. Unaware of the rift, my sister had informed him that our nieces would be visiting the area.
I’m at a lost, as is my wife. We can ask him to apologize for his nasty remarks or to explain why he was silent. To be honest, though, his apologies won’t make up for the intensity of what he said, which was mostly focused at our sister. He said something that I would never want her to know.
I am aware that owning up to one’s shortcomings requires a lot of bravery. Even if it’s easy to hold onto grudges, I understand how powerful it is to demonstrate grace. However, my brother’s behavior has been very telling.
I’m fairly certain that my nieces will inquire about their uncle, and I’ve already wasted too much time worrying about his messages, so I could use some guidance.
Not Guests
Greetings and Invitation: Your brother’s hate speech wasn’t appropriate, and you don’t have to put up with it, regardless of whether it was driven by alcoholism, annoyance, or something else.
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Responding to the text by telling him that you, your sister, and your nieces made arrangements and that you would like to follow through on them is totally acceptable. He has no right to control the conditions of your gathering.
You might also let him know that although you value his communication, you need to talk before you can interact with people again. This is a method for you to maintain a healthy boundaries, not a means of punishing him.
If your sister and nieces inquire, you can also tell them that. They probably are if you are aware of these characteristics of his. Sometimes being straightforward and honest is preferable to smiling and putting up with it, even if they aren’t. Tell them that I hope he can work with me to improve our current situation because we’re not in a good one. I don’t want our weekend to be marred by this. I’m not asking you to pick sides, but people don’t always agree.
Contact R. Eric Thomas with inquiries at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Get his weekly email at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram at @oureric.
