To Eric, Both my niece and son will shortly turn thirteen. A week separated their births.
On my son’s birthday, I usually throw a pool party for the whole family. For their daughter, my brother and his wife don’t throw a family celebration. (They also have a pool in their lovely yard.) Rather than inviting family, they throw a party for her and her pals.
Family members bring gifts for my niece when they attend my son’s celebration, and I feel as though my son must share his birthday with his cousin each year.
In essence, I am throwing their daughter a party as well because my brother and his wife don’t help out financially or with preparation, serving, cooking, or cleanup.
They agreed when I proposed that we combine parties a few years ago, but my mother forbid me from asking them to help because I had more people than they did. When my sister-in-law tried to give me money, I told her this, and instead of pressing, she gladly returned the money to her pocketbook.
They earn more than I do. I’m a single-income divorced mother.
How can I let my niece know that I don’t want to share my son’s birthday with them, even though I know it’s not her fault?
Feeling Utilized and Frustrated
To Frustrated, Despite her good intentions, your mother’s decree did not assist. Why she feels the need to be involved in this at all is beyond me. Your sister-in-law and you are both adults; how the expenses are divided is none of her business.
And if this has evolved into a de facto shared party over time, it makes sense that you bear some of the burden. It wouldn’t be shocking to discover that your family members all saw this as a cousins’ celebration after more than ten years of doing this.
Resuming the talk with your brother and sister-in-law, accepting the situation as it is, and cooperating to find a solution is perfectly acceptable. Additionally, reassure your mother not to worry about any questions or worries she may have.
The idea that this celebration may be about to change is something else you might want to think about. Discuss with your son his preferred method of celebration. Perhaps he is also very excited for a gathering that is focused on his pals. That may be a lot of fun and very healthy for him.
However, I would let the family know if you do change it so they can modify their expectations and nobody accuses you of undercutting your niece.
To Eric, I share my own experience in response to the husband, who has been sober for eight months and describes himself as a recovered alcoholic, who inquired about his wife’s ongoing funk (Husband on Eggshells).
With intervals of recovery occasionally exceeding eight months, my spouse battled a street drug addiction for approximately ten years.
He’s been clean for about ten years now, and I’ve noticed—and this might be the case for the couple in the column—that I remember a lot more of his addiction than he does. I remember the risk, the lying, the terror, the relapses, and the stealing better and more precisely.
I’m also resentful since it took a lot of labor.
If I’m being completely honest, there are moments when I feel almost envious of my husband’s ability to be so careless for so long, then have his redemption story and enter his own prosperous and promising future.
Me? Stories about keeping everyone alive and housed, frequently without gratitude and while being yelled at, would be more detrimental than beneficial to share. There would be no celebration or self-actualization—just the resolution of a crisis that wasn’t my fault.
I think I was in a funk for a couple of years. Finding genuine happiness in my own husband’s recovery requires a great deal of personal therapy. And to give up the kind of watchfulness I had need for so many years, just to keep him alive.
I’ve been there
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Greetings, Been There: This is a really useful and perceptive viewpoint. I’m happy that you’ve managed to work through the range of complicated feelings that surfaced for you following your husband’s sobriety.
This letter serves as a helpful reminder that a family’s entire dynamic shifts when one member changes. However, it doesn’t alter the past. Every individual in the unit will have a unique connection to that history.
Like you, we must take responsibility for our own emotions, but as some recovery communities say, it takes time.
Contact R. Eric Thomas with inquiries at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Get his weekly email at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram at @oureric.
