To Eric, One of my friends’ habits is really concerning.
When we go out to dine with someone else, she always says she has to go right away, gets up, and departs nearly instantly after we finish our meal and are just sitting around talking.
This is never the case when we are dining together alone. Not once.
Isn’t this impolite? It’s definitely unnerving. Or am I being domineering if I find it bothersome?
I’m incredulous.
Is it appropriate for me to talk to her about this habit? If so, how should I approach it?
Maybe I could just admit that I wrote the letter to you and give her a copy of my query and your answer.
I’m dumbfounded
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Dear Dumbfounded: Try asking her a few questions about the habit before you ask her the question. This will seem more impartial and should improve the outcome. Instead of trying to be right, try to utilize this as a chance to learn more.
To begin, ask her if she has observed this pattern. If so, inquire further about her motivations. Are there additional factors or specific triggers at work? Is there a reason why you don’t experience it? Curiosity at the forefront will keep the dialogue open and cordial.
There are several potential reasons, including physical discomfort, worry, and boredom. You will gain context if you ask for further information. And who knows, maybe there’s something you can both do in the future to make these meals enjoyable from start to finish, whenever that time comes.
To Eric,My ex-wife and I were divorced shortly after we separated in 2021.
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We don’t talk often, but when we do, I make an effort to be polite and considerate. It was the proper decision to leave a 20-year relationship because our principles no longer matched.
I make a concerted effort to stay out of her affairs. She has, however, told me on a few occasions that her new partner is violent. I take the steps I can because I wouldn’t want a random person on the street to go through that.
It’s difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with an ex, and I’ll admit that I’ve been too involved. The previous time, I essentially informed her that she needed to go since she was becoming too independent (and given the domestic abuse hotline, services, et cetera).
I will always be the one who is safe. However, I don’t look well in this.
She told me she evicted him tonight and provided me with specifics. Every detail she shared with me was something she did to me: He read her personal journals; he picked fights aggressively and intoxicatedly.
I didn’t react very well. I care about the safety of any victims of domestic abuse. I gave her some unsolicited counsel and advised her to exercise caution. I advised her not to worry about having the last say and to avoid making things worse.
Then I became ugly. I wasn’t inappropriate for this advise, she said. I was a little bit offended by your daring request for pity for what you had done to me, and I was also a little bit upset in general. I take great pleasure in my morals, but I was cruel.
I’m not proud of it, but I also don’t feel bad enough about it, and I’m simply tired. Do I need to continue self-deprecating?
Ex-Argument
To My Ex: This connection need some distance and a reset.
Begin by admitting to yourself that you still need to digest some aspects of your 20-year marriage. To find out more about resources for victims of emotional abuse, speak with a therapist or call the domestic violence support hotline.
Additionally, apologize to her for contributing to the situation’s escalation. Remind her that while you care about her, you might not be the ideal person to assist keep her safe at this time.
You are self-aware, which is crucial in this connection. Even if your heart is in the right place and you are aware that victims of domestic abuse need safe, trustworthy individuals to turn to, your past and the trauma you went through are making it more difficult. Since you’ve re-engaged, every argument now involves her relationship with you as well as her relationship with her spouse. Neither of you will benefit from this.
After asking whether she needs assistance locating resources or contacting others, listen to her without giving any advise. Our worry could become something that appears to be control and isn’t really beneficial. When that occurs, we must examine ourselves and respect the boundaries of others.
Contact R. Eric Thomas with inquiries at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
