To Eric, I recently turned eighty, as did my spouse. Despite our good health, we started discussing estate planning.
At first, this seemed like a simple solution because we each have two children from past marriages. We thought that the remainder of our assets would be split equally amongst our children after thinking about giving to nonprofit organizations.
The problem is as follows: My husband and his two kids get along great, but in recent years, we have grown apart. A small sum is what I would like to gift my kids. It would show them that I still love and care about them, even if it is only a modest gesture.
With every holiday and year that goes by, my spouse gets more and more upset with my kids. He says they don’t deserve anything and that they shouldn’t act as though they care about me now that I’m dead if they didn’t care about me when I was living.
However, I believe that doing so would be cruel and vengeful. Would you please provide some words that would be helpful in this situation?
Divided Succession
To Inheritance, It’s useful to keep in mind that you and your spouse have different relationships with your children, even while you are, quite rightly, navigating life together, including what happens after you are gone.
This is not to imply that your relationship succeeds because it is the most established and genetically linked. However, you have different stakes than he does.
He is permitted to be angry and frustrated with them. Receiving a supportive yet assertive viewpoint on this matter from a loved one is likely beneficial for you. Even though your relationship with your children is alienated, it is unique in their lives and in the globe. The fact that it is alienated may make it much more so.
You are the only one who can determine what you want this legacy to signify for your children, so you must take specific care of it.
He might have to come to terms with a choice he doesn’t like. Fixing that for him is not your problem.
Naturally, the purpose of inheritance is to outlive us, but many people also use it to speak for us when we are unable to. This becomes complex. Money mumbles, but it speaks. Therefore, I would also advise talking to your kids before you leave, even if it’s just to let them know that the money is meant to serve as a reminder that you still think about them and that you wish things were different.
To Eric, I complied with our friends’ request to mow and trim their lawn until their house sold while they were away for a year.
It didn’t sell. For a year, I mowed the grass. After that, they went back and re-occupied it. They had to relocate once it sold. They bought a beautiful house with a swimming pool.
We waited for invites, which were infrequent, assuming that a year’s worth of free mowing would result in a few requests to use their pool. When invited to swim with them, we used it a few times without asking. (This scenario did not involve any young children.)
Was I right to think that we ought to have had some leeway, at least for a year?
Lawn Pawn
To Lawn, A year’s worth of swimming passes would have been a kind and equitable gift, no doubt. Depending on the size of the lawn, even lifetime swimming privileges is a lot to ask for after a year of upkeep at someone else’s house.
However, in order to prevent misalignment, I believe it’s always a good idea to put expectations into words.
Now, instead of you telling them, they ought to have proactively chosen a means to express their gratitude. To be honest, I believe they ought to have compensated you for your work.
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However, it’s probable that they didn’t even consider offering pool access as payment for maintaining the lawn. Ultimately, we are discussing two distinct elements—earth and water. Perhaps they didn’t think of it.
It’s acceptable to make demands or set expectations, even when we are providing a favor out of kindness. To avoid giving friends and acquaintances the impression that they are being duped, it is advisable to do it ahead of time.
However, it is acceptable to renegotiate the conditions if a favor changes in the middle of the agreement, as your lawn service did. Although I’m glad to continue, this has grown to be a larger task than I had anticipated. Can we talk about how to make it equitable? To put it another way, I was glad to take on this significant task. As a thank you, may I use your pool? “No” is the worst they can say.
Contact R. Eric Thomas with inquiries at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Get his weekly email at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram at @oureric.
